Hogwarts uncut
by nofutureforyou
Summary: SLYTHERIN! Yelled the Sorting hat, and Harry grinned as he took off his hat. He was so glad that he hadn't been put into Ravenclaw, which was renowned for being the house to turn out more dark wizards than any other.
1. Weird

SLYTHERIN! Yelled the Sorting hat, and Harry grinned as he took off his hat. He was so glad that he hadn't been put into Ravenclaw, which was renowned for being the house to turn out more dark wizards than any other.

But then the hat suddenly shouted "Just kidding, GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry's grin fell. He looked around the table and saw a girl lip synching into a water bottle. She was belting out Dream on by Aerosmith. He made a face and continued walking down the table. As he walked on, he saw twins trying to shove their wands in each other's noses. A boy had just blown up his drink, the girl named Hermione was making love to her books, and the red-headed boy he had met earlier on the train was busy cowering behind her in fear that the fake spider in his plate would attack him.

Harry shook his head and sat down besides them anyways. He was new to the magical world, 'I guess they are a bit weird.' Harry thought to himself.

"The blue bus is calling us…" Harry turned around and saw another familiar face, the boy whom he had rejected earlier named Draco Malfoy was singing.

"The killer awoke before dawn," He sang on ominously, "he put his boots on  
He took a face from the ancient gallery And he walked on down the hall!"

Draco grinned and continued in a haunting voice, "He went into the room where his sister lived, and..." He paused, "then he paid a visit to his brother, and then he," Suddenly he shouted, "He walked on down the hall!" He lowered his voice again to that haunting tone "and and he came to a door...and he looked inside,"

"Father,"

"Yes son," He said in a deeper voice,

"I want to kill you" The hall gasped.  
"Mother...I want to...**fuck you**!"

"KILL KILL KILL" He mouthed to Harry. Harry paled and felt that this foreshadowed an event that would happen before the end of the year.

"Don't worry about him," Hermione said flicking her mane of hair behind her, "Slytherins are weird like that, I read it all in this wonderful book called Hogwarts, a History." She started eyeing her book with a type of sexual hunger.

'Weirdo,' Harry thought to himself. He quickly busied himself with filling his plate with food.

But even though he was seriously wigged out from all these, uhh, interesting characters, he felt that staying at Hogwarts would be the most wonderful years of his life.


	2. The American

Before he was done eating, he heard a lot of commotion and looked up. He saw the most beautiful girl. She had pale skin, baby blue eyes. She was short, about 5'4 and slender, but curvy in all the right places. Her long flowy black hair immediately caught his eyes. He had to meet her.

With all the American exchange students that had been showing up lately, Hermione was sure that there must be nobody left in America.

Ginny noticed her too, and immediately got jealous even though she isn't in Hogwarts yet but who can keep all these years straight? So with the author power invested in me, Ginny is now the same age as Harry.

Harry was heading up to the Gryffindor tower when he noticed that she was too.

"Hi," he said, "I'm Harry, Harry Potter."

"Hello, I'm Annalisa Elizabeth Claudia Malfoy," She responded, "But people call me Mary Sue."

"What?" Harry was shocked, "Malfoy?"

"Yes," She responded, "I'm his long lost identical twin sister, but you must not tell, it is my deepest darkest secret, along with the fact that I slept with his father, well, our father."

"Oh." Harry was speechless.

Suddenly, Harry hit puberty and he was hot and handsome. Annalisa thought so too and leaned in to kiss him.

They lips met with passion and they ate each other for about 30 minutes, until they were interrupted by Ginny.

"HARRY NO! HOW COULD YOU??" She wailed and ran in the Gryffindor common in sorrow.

Annalisa suddenly realized what she had done, whatever that was, and slapped Harry hard on the cheek.

Harry kissed her again and she just couldn't help it, she kissed him back.

"Oh get a room," Ron cried out as he was walking up the stairs. He was full of sorrow. Why was it always Harry who got all the attention? WHY OH WHY OH WHY!!! OH THE ANGST!

He walked into the common room expecting to be comforted by his long lost love Hermione. But he was met with screams of anger.

Hermione slapped both twins' faces, hard. She fumed at them and her eyes glittered angrily.  
"You KNOW I don't like cheesecake!" she yelled. "Next time, don't put it in my socks!"

They snickered and scampered off, but they are so hot, that the Gryffindor ladies could not help themselves and assaulted them in hopes of getting a piece of the Weasley hotties.

Finally, after all the excitement of the first day at Hogwarts, they went to bed and slept wonderfully dreaming of goodies and American exchange students.

But that was not the case for Harry, no; he couldn't sleep because his scar was stinging.

Meanwhile, Voldemort was planning his next attack, and to keep you all up to date, we are now in Harry's 5th year and Voldemort IS back.

The night air was cold and clammy, and the sky was lighted up by bolts of lightening every once in awhile. They were accompanied by thunderous bolts that could make your heart stop beating.

Yes, there is a thunderstorm.

Voldemort loved thunderstorms. In fact, he loved them so much he often stood outside and got his best evil plans that way. But it was that particular stormy evening that he got his best idea yet... He was going to be a professional nightclub dancer.


End file.
